Church Announcement Humor

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in  church services:

The  sermon  this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’

The sermon tonight:  ‘Searching  for Jesus..’

Ladies,  don’t  forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those  things not  worth keeping around the house… Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you off  – let the Church help.

Miss Charlene  Mason sang ‘I  will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to  the  congregation.

For those of  you who have  children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday  there will be  tryouts for the choir… They need all the help they can get.

Irving  Benson and Jessie  Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean  supper  will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall…Music will  follow.

At  the  evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.   

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place  your donation in  the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church  will  host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and  gracious  hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00  PM … prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in  the  basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening  at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from  the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible  Study will be  held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to  lunch in  the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor  would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low  Self  Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.  

The  eighth-graders will be  presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church  basement Friday at 7  PM. … The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The Associate  Minister unveiled  the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge –  Up Yours.’