Holy Humor

Speed Bump – 10 Commandments


GOOD THINKING

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”


GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan.

She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up..”


DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”


THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23 .

She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rick was so nervous, when it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”


UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.


BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy,

“So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable. What does she say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past) For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, “And all girls.” This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.

My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”

Her response, “Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”


SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.


WORDS OVER YOUR CASKET

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ‘When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’

Artie replied ‘ I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.’

Eugene commented ‘I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’

Glen A., without batting an eye, replied… ‘I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’


RESURRECTION STORY

It was Sunday morning, and the pastor had already preached to the adults in the congregation.  Now he was presenting a children’s sermon.

He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The pastor called on him and the boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you’re supposed to call the doctor.”

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.


KNOW WHAT THE BIBLE MEANS?
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly,” It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

Religious Objects
A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.

One boy answers, “We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.”

The next little boy says, “We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.”

Then a third boy pipes up, “In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, ‘OH MY GOD!!!'”


FOUR GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

  1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.
  2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
  3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
  4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

GOLFING

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, “I hate playing with your Dad.”


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